I plodded along in my career for the next few years, treading water again and doing just enough to stay out of trouble but that would all change, when, in September 2013, there was an allegation of violence made against me by a child. The expected next step in this process would be a suspension, not as a sign of guilt or culpability, but purely from a safeguarding point of view. This did not happen (presumably, because the school knew there was no foundation to it, although this was never communicated to me). This process should have taken weeks to resolve, but it was left hanging over my head for 8 months before being cleared. I was working throughout all this time. Add to that, that an ultimately unsuccessful inspection took place during this period which put myself and the whole workplace under increased pressure.
The allegation was finally resolved in June and the school year ended in mid July. At this point, it felt like a massive pressure valve had been released and I had a mental breakdown that had been building over the previous 9 months.
I was diagnosed with depression, which I believe had been present for the majority of that year, due to my behaviours throughout it. It was only due to my meltdown, that I admitted these issues to my wife, doctor and most importantly, myself. I was placed on antidepressants and had counselling to discuss my behaviours:
- I had been completely neglecting my diabetes, no readings, no insulin
and, furthermore, - Abusing food by binge eating sugar, hiding “abuse food” in my car, at work and other places.
During my counselling sessions, I placed a large emphasis on self-esteem and in particular, my lack of teeth. During my time off work, I registered with a new dentist and a few months later, I had a set of dentures. Incredibly, I believed that
these two pieces of acrylic were my magic cure! I returned to work in January having been absent for 5 months.
I felt fine at first, very positive, so much so, I believed my depression was cured, and I stopped taking my antidepressants. It wasn’t cured and I slipped again.
I should have used more time to not only resolve my self-esteem and mental state, but also my always underlying diabetic issues. It was around the time of my return to work that I had my first warnings of my impending eyesight deterioration, which I will discuss in the next part.
A year passed, where I plodded along, feeling left to my own devices, knowing I was the liability of the faculty, and then the inspectors came back. I had a lesson observed, which didn’t go too well, and I was hauled in front of the head, I was placed on performance proceedings, which were entirely justified at that time.
It was, therefore, time to go into the “when the going gets tough” mode! For the next few months, I did everything asked of me, I raised my game, but then when it came to be reviewed, I felt, the goalposts were moved and it was clear my face no longer fitted.
I realised my only option was to play the long endgame, doing enough to survive until redundancy applications were asked for and then getting out on my terms.
At the next school holiday, Christmas 2015, I had another meltdown due to stress and depression. I did not return to school on medical grounds after that holiday, Redundancy applications were invited in May of that year. Mine was accepted and my career officially ended in August 2016.
Since then, my focus has been solely on “PROJECT ME”. I feel like I’ve deconstructed myself from the ground up, and put all the parts back together in a way that works better. I believe I am, mentally, as healthy as I have ever been, although, the same cannot be said physically.